pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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