wrigley field is MILF paradise
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
