Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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