She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.