Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
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Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.