i don't like sucking hair
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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