took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
