last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
