My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
