Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
