ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
