Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
