ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
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Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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