You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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