I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
