He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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