You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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