Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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