Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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