I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
