do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize