i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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