I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
