Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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