I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
