I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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