I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
time to smoke my breakfast
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
