The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
