I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I said "one day" and that day is not today
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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