wanna go halves on a baby?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
