And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
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Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
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My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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