Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i believe in u and ur pee
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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