I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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