Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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