Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
