I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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