For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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