i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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