I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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