I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
