i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
