Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Im part way to drunk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
