in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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