if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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