Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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