Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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