You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
