I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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