textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize