fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
