yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
