That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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