Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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