Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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